I used to have a medication phobia.
I thought medications were for ‘crazy’ people, and well, I was not ‘that’ crazy.
Sure I’ve had my ups and downs and inbetweens. Actually there were no inbetweens. Either I was more up or more down. I found it very difficult to be in a happy medium. If I wasnt feeling low, I was feeling irritable. Low to me was being disengaged and withdrawn; I thought my low mood was purely boredom. Not wanting to leave the house, or talk to my friends and family, or deciding to put off going to the gym until tomorrow. It was always going to be tomorrow. I became so used to doing nothing, that I convinced myself that I was going to be nothing. The only thing I was going to be was a Nurse. Nothing more, nothing less. At work, I was my happiness. Outside of work, I was a girl that barely wanted to leave the house. I was never quite satisfied. I’d get these brilliant ideas to try something new, only to quit before it ever really began. I started to feel like a failure. I went through 4 years of nursing school, and yet I couldn’t seem to accomplish anything now, no matter how small. Very frustrating to say the least.
I had been well educated with depression, but for some reason, when it came to myself, I was in complete denial.
Anyways… I got a bit side tracked.
Medication Phobia, right!
I finally went to my doctor for something unrelated to depression (or so I thought). I was experiencing very high levels of anxiety, and I was getting to the point where I couldn’t cope well. I was coping, but not to the best of my abilities. I started to show avoidant behaviours.
While I was at the doctors, she made me fill out these questionaires, one of which I score d high on depression. I walked out of her office with not only one diagnosis BUT TWO. Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Before I walked out though, my doctor kindly provided me with all my options to managing my conditions, and we both agreed that the pharmacological route would be the best option for now.
Boy was I scared.
I had grown up believing that medications were ‘taboo’, and that they were the reason that my Nana turned nutso. Sorry Nana.(God bless her soul – Love you Nana). But it is the truth. It was something that became rooted in my family beliefs. I also thought I was going to become addicted or be on them for life. I probably will be on them for life, and I am okay with that. The fact is, we (and I do mean my specific people in my family), were uneducated, and simply learning about it helped erased that stigma.
Going on medication was the best thing for me. I’m not afraid to admit it. Yes I am a Registered Nurse and take psych meds. NO I’m not crazy. And yes I can save your life. My conditions never affected my ability to practice safety and competently as a nurse. It affected my feelings and emotions but not the knowledge and skills I gained over the years. I am a great damn nurse. I’m really not sure why I felt the need to justify any of that.
Side tracked again.
What have medications done for me?
- They brought me back to the light
- The fog has been lifted
- I can concentrate and focus
- I can go out with my friends again
- I can say hello to a stranger
- I can go to events and parties
- I can get out of my own head
- My thoughts don’t race
- I feel calm and content
- I have more motivation
- I am back at the gym
- I’m wanting to be outside in the warmth
- I am wanting to discover more hobbies
- I am blogging again
- I know I am enough
- I am doing me, for me
- Laughing feels great
And the list goes on.
The bottom line is I truly feel like myself again.
And that is what matters the most.
You only have one life to live.
This is it.
Do what you need to do to feel your best.
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